Have you seen my dog?

A one-act monologue
by Victor M. Sant’Anna

June 13th, 1999
Traduzido para o inglês por Paula Prestes Boschiroli paulaprestes1@yahoo.com.br

Synopsis:
A “social outcast” (homeless or a runaway of some institution) talks exhaustively about his/her past. The character can be a man or a woman, thus the text can be portrayed by an actor or an actress.
At election time in the third world, this text is perfectly suitable because it broaches social issues and politics. “Have you seen my dog?” is a “dramedy”, it narrates the drama of living on the streets in a tone of comedy.
After 10 years in obscurity, it was rediscovered in 2010 and performed in many Brazilian cities: in Manaus/AM by Wallace Abreu, in Santa Maria/RS by Ícaro Costa and in Porto Alegre by Daniel Menezes under the direction of Cristina Bahia.

Have you seen my dog?

Have you seen my dog?
Hmmm… It’s election time, isn’t it? I voted for that mayor who built viaducts. Good mayor! Viaduct is good when we don’t have a home… At that time everybody came to live under the viaducts and the mayor was always giving orders to build another one. When one viaduct was overcrowded soon they had another ready. Urban planning! The more people that came the more viaducts he built. One, two, three, ten… If he hadn’t escaped to Switzerland this city would have become only viaducts! It wasn’t a cheap leaky viaduct, no. It was a high-class viaduct! He even ordered a pedestrian viaduct to be built! Very nice mayor, he only failed voting in my place.
Then it came the mayor who helped the poor… that one… He gave us food when he was a candidate, there was a long line, he shook our hands. He hugged and took pictures. He only hugged if there were pictures to be taken, if there wasn’t a photographer he did not even approach us. The food he gave (he didn’t have guts to try it himself), not even my dog would eat it. But a politician is just like that… they shake hands with the poor people before the election and with the rich people afterwards… To me good mayors are those who build viaducts for the people to live under and not the ones who give food to the needy. Because, good or bad we are used to getting by on our own, the food of the rich is much better than what they bring to us at election time. The food they bring us is worthless. It doesn’t taste of anything. And it stinks a lot. Besides we can’t stay here not even to sleep, the smell is unbearable. We can die intoxicated just from the smell!
Am I talking too much? I didn’t use to talk too much before… after I got lonelier and lonelier and now I speak so much… so much… not even my dog can take it. He doesn’t complain much but he goes for a walk when he is tired of listening to me. He always comes back but I’m afraid of him going out for cigarettes… Because when people go out for cigarettes… well you know, they do not always come back.
At school the teacher said: You are the future of the nation, you must learn how to read and write properly! I couldn’t say what I felt, I tried and I tried hard… but nobody listened to what I said… I wanted to say what I was feeling, but I didn’t know how! Nobody taught me that. We stayed there doing those endless basic operations that I could never memorize. Nobody taught me how to talk, how to show my feelings. This I learned much later. The basic operations… I counted on fingers. And I drew. I spent all day drawing and coloring. Oh, how useless it was! I colored the sky blue. Every day. Blue sky, brown soil, green grass! Blue sky, brown soil, green grass… Blue sky, brown soil, green grass…
One day I colored the sky grey and the soil grey. It was the day I learned how to color what I was feeling… I showed it proudly to the teacher. I knew that she would also be proud of me. She got angry.
– Where have you ever seen grey grass? Color this properly right now!
I would say that it wasn’t grass, it was cement, cement sidewalk but did she let me? She didn’t stop to listen to me! I could only stammer:
– But… but… but… teacher…
– Color this now, I’m ordering you! Do you want people to think I don’t teach anything properly? Do you want to override my authority? I’ve been around, you know? Do you think you know more than I do, huh? I spent 10 years at college, I specialized! And any shit-face comes to tell me how a drawing is colored? Isn’t it enough that your parents want to teach me how to do my job? Isn’t it enough the educational section wants to teach me how to do my job? Everybody wants to poke their nose in! Even the director wants to change my classes! Where have you ever seen this! He does not even wear socks! Have you ever seen anybody who doesn’t wear socks that knows how to teach?
– But… but… but…
They sent me to the principal’s office for insubordination. The principal didn’t know anything about teaching as I could notice by the lack of his socks.
– Sit down brat.
– Yes, Sir.
– The teacher is your second mother, did you know that?
I got dumbfounded. This information was news to me!
– But we call her auntie!
What! You brat! What kind of insubordination is this! Show some respect, got it?
Did you notice they are always finding relatives for us?
The school is nice but you have to respect the teacher. You have to do exactly what the teacher says, or else… A teacher hit me once. He always said:
– Whoever makes mistakes in calculating is worthless!
He thought calculating properly was important. I knew how to create equations easily, I knew sine, cosine, hyperbolic cosecant, transposing matrix, differential calculus, integral calculus I even knew kidney stone. But when it came to calculating… I always made mistakes. And the old teacher came pointing the finger:
– Who makes mistakes in calculating is worthless!
I did, redid and did it all again and always got low grades. I almost gave up school when I found out he had made mistakes calculating my grades, he didn’t apologize or anything he only said it was a little mistake but I said:
– Who makes mistakes in calculating is worthless!
I got caned but it was worthy!
After some days talking to everybody, the principal of the school called me to have a conversation. We sat, the teacher and I, side by side, in silence.
– This is a very serious case. We can’t allow this kind of violence in our institution. We have a tradition of teaching that needs to be kept up! The school board has already decided unanimously and everybody supports the decision. The only possible decision is expulsion. I still said quietly:
– Just because of a moment of weakness?
I still thought to myself:
– Poor him… they will expel the old teacher!
Who do you think it was expelled? Do you think it was him? Do you? Do you think so? Does anybody here think that?
Teacher… I understand their side. The principal calls and says:
– Do like it like this, this way! Do as I say, and it was like this that I learned!
– Oh, so that’s why!
I wouldn’t even have courage to enroll my dog in this school.
Why are they always finding relatives for us? Why is that?
There was a candidate who persisted in telling he was my father. Come on, have you ever seen such a thing? Come on! Would I be the son of a politician? They came and said:
– This man is the father of the barefoot beggars!
The father of the poor had already showed up here and the father of the shirtless, the father of the homeless, the father of the barefoot beggars… There are plenty of politicians who want to be fathers.
There was one who took our clothes and handed out some T-shirts printed with “John Doe, the father of the needy”. I said it was written in a wrong way but they ordered me to shut up and smile at the camera.
– Can I have my T-shirt back? It’s a yellow one.
My team T-shirt was much better than that trashy ones they were giving us.
It’s already inside the truck, we are going to burn everything.
But I’ll give your T-shirt back!
– What are you complaining about? You receive new clothes and keep playing Mr.Cool? You will be poor forever!
I didn’t even try to have a conversation with this one… We can’t even try to start talking to people like that, they have too much knowledge, high social status and you know… they soon start hitting. This one was too strong for a dialogue so I took my T-shirt from a pile of rags. He took the other end. He pulled and I pulled and the T-shirt began to stretch. It would fit both of us soon. The man didn’t think it was funny and called some friends over. His friends, because I knew they weren’t my friends. I ran away. But the problem was my new shoes. I wasn’t used to them… The men ran after me and caught me… they hit me – but only a little – and they threw me into a ravine. I rolled, rolled, rolled and continued rolling till I arrived down here. It’s nice here, my dog and I like it a lot, there is nobody and once in a while they throw down trash with food from the rich people, but of course a viaduct is much better. There are very bad places, and there are better places…
Really bad is the jail. I mean… it’s not bad but they don’t allow us to go out or have a dog. There is food, there is drink. There wasn’t a dog but there was a Bear and a Coyote. Have I told you this?
The coyote wanted me to be his wife. The bear wanted me to be her husband. They fought so much…
– Easy, easy, don’t fight!
It was worthless, nobody listens to me! They fought so much that ended up killing each other. Right in front of me! The bear hugged the coyote.  The coyote hugged the bear.  They kept on rolling from one side to the other, all night long. And I was just watching. They rolled and rolled… I kept on thinking… jail is good but I don’t want to be rolling from one side to the other… Besides taking away my freedom I will have to stay rolling on and on for the rest of my life. I went to sleep a little. When I woke up they were there, gone, in front of my eyes. One killed the other and the other killed the other. And both died – of course.
Many people were looking. The prisoners and the guards thought it was me who had done it! They looked at the dead there, in front of me, and at me sleeping… I don’t know… maybe they thought I was a sleepwalker.  I only know that they started giving me a lot of gifts. Magazines, candy, sweets, little white papers, envelopes with money, guns, a knife, revolver, machine-gun… there was a big pile of cigars and cigarettes. They treated me as if I were the owner of the prison. Even the guards respected me. They did everything for me: they cleaned my cell, washed my clothes, everything. The only thing missing was licking my boots! I was missing my dog but I couldn’t complain. They even gave me a Brazil team T-shirt they gave me! That one I told you before, remember? Oh well… Powerful! I was so important that a lawyer came and released me from jail! The same lawyer who let me go to jail for stealing a Brazilian team T-shirt. Can you understand these people?
I remember the trial very well. I was very nervous and couldn’t understand it that well. There was a very nice judge who spoke softly but the other guy, the prosecuting attorney said:
Your Honor! This is not only a simple case of stealing food; this is not just a simple case of social inequality… Stealing food could even be reconsidered through the eyes of social justice, but what reason can we find for stealing a T-shirt? A team T-shirt! It’s just petty theft. The social condition has nothing to do with this case, there is no way of attenuating this offense, as my honorable colleague suggests. The defense attorney is trying to use subterfuge to hide the criminal nature of his client!
The one who defended me, the so-called defense attorney, dressed so well… He was so handsome… Elegant… cool… He told me when I had to stand up, when I have to sit down, what I had to say:
– Stand up! – Sit down! – Stand up! – Sit down! Say: “guilty”!
Even when he goaded he was refined… That man spoke beautifully. It’s all bullshit, it was useless. I even overheard him arranging a meeting with the other while two officers took me to the jail… I wanted to explain why I had taken the T-shirt but nobody wanted to listen to me! They didn’t allow it! My lawyer said:
– Take it easy, take it easy, leave it to me, I’m used to defending people like you…
While they dragged me away, I was even wondering  if he hadn’t forgotten to say that he was like a brother to me…
Well, I could leave the jail without even needing to escape, which is very good. In the asylum it wasn’t so easy. There it was so bad… It was long before the jail… Have I told you?
They gave me a big metal cup and as there wasn’t anything to do I kept on hitting the cup on the bars all day long… cla-ang cla-ang cla-ang, clang clang clang!
It was bad but there were some good things there. Good things always happen, even in the worst places… There was a guy wearing a white apron, very nice, he took me to a room and kept on talking to me for an hour. Poor guy… full of problems in his head!
I also had computer science class. That’s it! I’m graduated in Data Processing! I took a class once every 15 days, it took me 3 years to finish the course. Outsourcing is a shit! I was colleague of Bill Gates… and of Napoleon Bonaparte. Bill was useless but Napoleon knew how to program a computer very well. We stayed hiden in the director’s room and waited for the bedtime guard. The computers we used during the course were trash but there was a brand new computer in the director’s room, very good, full of little lights. He didn’t know how to operate it properly but have you ever seen any director who knows how to operate any device?
We used the computer so much that one day we were caught… we were using the computer and we went to sleep… in the director’s armchair! Then it was the beginning of the pricks. Injections every day. It was terrible. The director always came to ask if we knew something.
– I know many things!
I don’t know what the director thought we knew but Napoleon disappeared… I never saw him again. The injections continued. Every day! Injection in my arm, injection in my leg, injection in my head, injection in my buttocks… You know… there are people who don’t like to receive injections in buttocks, that’s because they had never received one in the head.
One day I ran away. I waited for the watchman’s bedtime… Snoring… He slept so late on that day, I was a bit dizzy but it was because I received so many injections, they didn’t all have the same effect. I knew it wasn’t right to escape but I was getting pricked all over!
I got back to the streets, very near from where the police had picked us up the first time… The police didn’t stick us in jail this time… they knocked us about a bit and then took us straight to the asylum. They thought living in the streets was a crazy thing. When I left the asylum, things were different. But it was a better time than nowadays. Now they don’t stuck us in jail anymore. Nobody knows where they stick people, nobody has ever come back to tell… yet.
All of the city was different. There was even a mall! I spent a very long time on the streets… One day I was passing in front of a store and there was a poster, it said: “Three for the price of two”. It was a team T-shirt sale. But who would buy three team T-shirts? Some pervert?
I was thinking, with the little maths I had learned:
– If I get three for the price of two so I can get two for the price of one, right? So maybe I get one and pay nothing?
But they did not even let me ask. The young man in the store, that walked in such a manner, limping on his right leg, called another, a stronger one, who walked like this: limping his left leg. Each one took hold of an arm of mine and took me to a backroom.  I stayed a day there. When the police threw me into the cells at the police station, fortunately a man who worked for the human rights released me and said:
– They can’t do this, you were kept in illegal captivity, and this constitutes a kidnapping crime. Don’t worry, I’m going to arrange everything for you.
I didn’t worry, but after that, the man never got back. Once I saw him on TV, he was deputy, senator, but after he got into a tight spot with some funds, his party thought it was better put him in a less complicated position and he became the Secretary of Homeland Security.
He shook my hand on that day… they like to shake my hand and take pictures. I think it brings good luck. This hand has already turned candidates into mayors, governors, deputies…  If I shake my own hand will I become a politician too?
– How scary…!
Does anybody know about my dog? He is this big, walks like this, pees this way, you know? He has two ears. I know that dogs usually have two ears but I say that because I have already met a dog that didn’t have any ears. It was in the town hall kennels. That one in which a rock singer had a date with his girlfriend, remember?
I used to go there to take the dogs’ food. I know it is not right, I took the dogs’ food and replaced with the food the government had given to the poor. Poor dogs, now I feel sorry for them. So many of them died!
There was a dog there without either of his ears. He listened to everything but had no ears. Some people have ears and don’t listen to anything but this dog was the opposite. I released all dogs once, but they didn’t want to run away. There are dogs like that, we give them freedom and they don’t know how to thank, they stay there, like fools, waiting for destiny. I even talked to them, gave them instructions, political guidance, love, care… not even hitting them worked. As a political leader I wasn’t good enough. But is there any political leader good enough?
This good had lost his ear because of a medical error… He was a fine, loyal, obedient dog, from a rich owner… the owner snapped fingers and here he came – the dog – waving his tail… but the owner, who lived alone, got sick and died… and didn’t have a life insurance policy, will, health plan, nothing… Picture the scene: One day, house, food three times a day, a bath once a week, grooming once a month, veterinarian, pet shop, cologne… the next her the harsh reality of life on the streets!  You don’t know how horrible is this dogs’ life was! The poor dog didn’t bear it and tried to throw himself in front of a car. Here comes the car, the dog jumps, the car brakes, skids, swerves and drives off… the dog doesn’t suffer any injury (not a scratch)… But wait…
– Watch out, a bicycle!
Poor animal… they took him to the kennel, he was injured but not seriously, it was only one ear that needed to be amputated… but you know how it is, public service… they amputated the wrong ear and he lost both.
A dog without an ear is a rare thing, but a dog without a tail? There are lots. What’s the use of a dog’s tail anyway? There is always the risk of getting the tail stuck somewhere. And the more it wags, the more dangerous it is. Wags here, wags there and then, one day, when you least expect it, it gets stuck. It’s better to have a short tail.
The tail doesn’t help at all at swimming, anyway, my dog didn’t know how to swim, I had to teach him. Once, when we were living under a bridge, there was a flood. The water came up so much that we had to swim for it. Somebody was helping people, there were fireman, a policeman, a bunch of people. They threw us a rope but a dog doesn’t know how to climb a rope. Have you ever tried to teach a dog how to climb a rope? My dog swam away but I wasn’t so lucky and I was rescued by the firemen. They were taking all the flood victims to a shelter. It was full of people, a huge sports gymnasium… I said that I didn’t want to stay, that I wasn’t in sports but nobody wanted to listen, they didn’t let me go. They had ears but they didn’t listen to me. I had to stay there.
The families had lost their houses in the flood and received help from everybody. We stayed there for a long time. A week passed, then two, three, the flood had already gone but we remained there. The press came and took pictures, and filmed.
– Put on a flood victim face! Sadder!
They sent us food, made a show to raise funds and so on… but they have never invited us to go to a show… There was plenty of food, I have never eaten so many cookies. There were a lot of old clothes too. I have never seen so many old clothes. I don’t know where they came from! There must be some old clothes factories somewhere. They already manufacture torn clothes in the crotch or in the armhole.
I had nothing to do, I played with the kids. I don’t know where so many kids had came from! I mean, I know where they come from, I even helped a woman to give birth there, in the gymnasium, but I don’t know how can there be so many kids in the world!
One night there was a woman whining… I went to help… they called an ambulance but nobody knew what to do while we were waiting for the doctors to arrive. So there was me, delivering a child. Complicated sittuation, a woman squirming in pain and me screaming:
– Come out boy, come on out!
Do you think the boy would listen to me? Do you? No! He stayed inside, warm, comfortable, no intention of coming out. And I calmed the woman down:
– Easy, I have already watched many dogs giving birth!
But she didn’t calm down. – I didn’t know if I should have put a hand inside and pull, or if I should wait… people kept on looking around and did nothing. They didn’t even give an opinion. Stupids bastards! Finally the little one put his head outside to take a look…I didn’t know if I pulled the head, if I pressed the woman’s belly… oh, how distressing! That’s why I prefer dogs, everything is more straightforward with them.
The woman kept on screaming but the baby was very smart and it was already coming:
– Easy, easy, everything is going to be fine… the worst thing that can happen is the baby is stillborn or you dye because there is no doctor!
I was thinking of giving up and putting the baby back but I couldn’t do things by half, right?  It would be very uncomfortable to walk around with half kid outside and the other half inside.   Apart from the inconvenience, how would she sit down?
– Come on kid, come out soon! Push woman!
What a stubborn kid!  He took his sweet time to come out. He only came out as the doctors were arriving. When the doctors arrived she made and extra push and… plop! The kid came out. The doctors took care of everything but the mother was very thankful. She even wanted me to be the father. Once again this story of creating relatives for us…
Life in the shelter was becoming very boring, people started to get back to their jobs and even the ones who didn’t have a house needed to work… They started leaving the children with me. In the beginning it was only the big ones, it was easy, I spent all day running with them inside the gymnasium from one side to the other… but after they started leaving the little ones too… one, two, three… It began to get very complicated. Changing diapers, cleaning, feeding them. All at the same time. And what about the breastfeeding time? All of them hungry, there weren’t enough tits for so many mouths… And I was getting thinner and thinner…
Finally everybody left, even the ones without a house and I could get back to my dog. And there he was, waiting for me… He didn’t hug me not even smile barked at me but I felt that he was happy to see me back!  He hadn’t stayed alone through all this time, no, he had an affair with a bitch but it was something casual, nothing important. It was my fault, I stayed away for more than a year and I did not even make a phone call! Communication is very important in a relationship. You cannot get along well without having a conversation.
Oh, talking about having a conversation… do you know the tiger’s story? That play, haven’t I told you?
I was up there, performing a play, at that time that I believed in the arts. Everybody praising me, ready to give me a prize, a help to perform in public… Then a powerful woman came along, full of reasons saying that my play didn’t have the precise political connotation. Did you get that? Neither did I… then another man came and added:
– Monologue? Monologue… this is not art.
I fell flat. I could not even stammer. And the owner of the text, to complicate things even more, even asked me for a million dollars to perform his play… you know? That Italian who pretended to be a socialist and won the Nobel Prize… what was his name? A million… Poor guy… if he knew that here, in this country, not even his text is considered art… maybe he could even give me a discount.
Well, I must be going, I need to find my dog. I like puppies a lot… Politicians, teachers, directors… none of them are worthy like a dog. Do you know why dogs are loyal pets?
– Because they don’t try to pretend all the time that they are human beings.

(THE END)

 Copyright Victor Sant’Anna 2002