Dr. Viktor Frankenstein’s Virtual Bride

©Victor M. Sant’Anna 2002
Traduzido para o inglês por Inglês Pra Você – dfazoli@yahoo.com

About twelve to thirteen years ago, I promised a comedy, but it was hard…I need quite a bit of tragedy to make me want to write something funny. Parts of this text were initially written on January 21, 1993.

Mary Shelley’s characters, known to me by the various film versions of her work, were always my favorites during childhood and adolescence.  The first time I thought about writing a less than serious play, “Ígor”, and “Dr. Frank” came to mind as my first choices.

The title I imagined during all this time was something like “The Doctor, the Monster, Ígor, and Dr. Frankenstein”. However, any title would work, so I kept it similar to what it is now, and it became “Ígor and Dr. Frank’s Monster”. With the names changed to Vígor and Franco (I have a chemical engineer friend whose last name is Franco), “Dr. Franco’s Monster” wound up being one of the last names I adopted. It was nothing definitive so it lost its strength, and I returned to previous versions, trying to preserve something. At least it is less pretentious than one of the suggestions I seriously considered, “Victor Sant’Anna’s Frankenstein.” Now, although still temporary, I think that “The Virtual Bride of Dr. Viktor Frankenstein” is much better than “The Monster of Dr. Frank.”

The stage directions which infest the script are only suggestions. In the absence of context, as some comic situations did not come from the text but from traces of experimental interpretation, I thought it prudent to maintain the original idea in some situations. It is important to note that this text is a quilt, almost as is the monster that inspired this comedy. At least three distinct personalities can be identified for Igor (my “alter-ego”), depending on when the different parts of the play were written. Each of the characters here, in one way or another, are myself.

    Victor, July 2002

The Characters

Ígor is the traditional research assistant from horror movies, a mix of lackey and butler, wearing a monk-like tunic, walking as if he has a hunchback, and dragging one of his legs from time to time. Sometimes he uses a cane; a crooked stick, sometimes crutches, and sometimes he can act in a wheelchair or walk normally, as if he had nothing abnormal. The same changes happen with his voice and attitude, the latter which, at times, is smarter than Dr. Frank, and at times, behaves stupidly.

Dr. Frank is the scientist creator of the monster, and shows traces of exaggerated auto-sufficiency, being impatient like Ígor, somewhat a snob, who often behaves as if belonging to a superior class. Normally he would be wearing a white coat, or something that reminds us of his duties as a scientist.

The monster, and third character, was created as the surprise character, and will appear only later in the play, covered in fabric, until he is unveiled close to the end. He can be someone known to the public, one of the cast’s actors, or even a volunteer from the audience, chosen before the beginning of the play. He has no speech, only appears at the end of the show, so this is a role for a guest, someone who is not necessarily an actor.

The Set

It could be sparse, however, I imagined a sophisticated laboratory, highly equipped, impossible to exist in a home (as one would imagine an alternative lab might, considering that castles are rare these days).  Meanwhile, all its elements (experiment tables, wheelchairs, flasks and electronic equipment) can be substituted or removed completely. They are only elements to compose the typical atmosphere of the movies of this genre from the 1930s, for example, with some added modern touches (computer, telephone).

Dr. Viktor Frankenstein’s Virtual Bride

©Victor M. Sant’Anna 2002
Traduzido para o inglês por Inglês Pra Você – dfazoli@yahoo.com

(2m plus 1m) or (2m and 1f)

Act I – Ígor and Dr. Frank

Ígor is seated in front of the computer, typing. The door creaks and opens abruptly, Igor notices and is startled.
Ígor: (caught by surprise, gets up) Master, is that you?
Dr. Frank enters.
Dr. Frank: Who else, Ígor? Come on, get away from the computer!
Ígor: (moves, not happy, but obediently) Yes, Master.

    Dr. Frank: Ígor, do you see that rock? (points to an enormous rock at the one edge of the stage)
Ígor: Yes, Master!
Dr. Frank: Go to the rock, Ígor!
Ígor: Yes, Master! (Ígor walks with a hunchback, and drags one of his legs  as he moves)
Dr. Frank: Ígor, pick up this rock!
Ígor: Yes, Master! (picks up the rock)
Dr. Frank: Ígor, drop the rock!
Ígor: Yes, Master! (drops the rock)
Dr. Frank: Ígor, pick up the rock!
Ígor: Yes, Master! (picks up the rock again)
Dr. Frank: Ígor, bring the rock here! Bring it!
Ígor: Yes, Master! (brings the rock)
Ígor holds the rock above his head for a while, waiting for further orders.

    Dr. Frank: Ígor, drop the rock!
Ígor: Yes, Master! (drops the rock)
Dr. Frank: Who is the boss here, Ígor?
Ígor: You are, Doctor Frank!
Dr. Frank: When I tell you not to touch the computer, remember the rock!
Ígor: Do you want me to pick up the computer, Master?
Dr. Frank: No, Ígor… do not touch the computer, do you understand?
Ígor: Master… I am confused. Ígor does not understand!
Dr. Frank picks up an umbrella and hits Ígor a few times.
Dr. Frank: Do you understand now, unfortunate creature?
Ígor: Yes, Master! Yes, Master!
Both stop what they are doing. There is a buzz from a fly circling; Ígor follows the fly with his eyes.
Ígor: Master!
Dr. Frank: Yes, Ígor?
Ígor: Master, can Ígor attack the fly?
Dr. Frank: Do that, Ígor.
Ígor, who still follows the fly with his eyes, starts to jump and make obscene gestures at it. Dr. Frank looks disapprovingly.
Dr. Frank: (speaks as he adjusts some equipment and transfers chemical substances from one flask to another). In front of this imbecile’s eyes, the biggest medical experiment of all time will take place… soon! Finally, man will forever free himself from the shadow of death!

    Ígor: (stops what he is doing) Death?
Dr. Frank: Finally, from dead tissue, life will come!
Ígor: (touches himself, and nods his head) Life…
Dr. Frank: There won’t be any more deaths… death will only be a memory after I introduce life to a dead body!
Ígor: (again he repeats the obscene gesture) Life…
Dr. Frank: Today we will yet give life to the dead.
Ígor: (repeats the gesture again) Life!
Ígor sees the fly, and again takes off after it. (noise of fly buzzing).
Ígor: Master!
Dr. Frank: Yes, Ígor?
Ígor: Master! May I crush the fly?
Dr. Frank: Yes, Ígor (without losing concentration on the experiment at hand). But don’t bother me, this experiment is important.
Ígor: Thank you, Master! (aside – turns to the audience and speaks about Dr. Frank) He is so good to me!
Ígor tries to catch the fly but cannot, until an exact smack drops the insect to the ground… Ígor approaches it and swallows the fly.
(Flying insect buzz). Ígor sees another fly and takes off after it. 
Ígor: Master!
Dr. Frank: What do you want, you lunatic? Can’t you see that I am concentrating?
Ígor: (looks at Dr. Frank in a strange way, waits before he speaks) May I crush another fly?
Dr. Frank: You may crush it if you want to, but don’t bother me now!
Ígor: (Ígor stops for a few seconds, perplexed) May Ígor crush anything?
Dr. Frank: Crush whatever you want, just leave me alone!
Ígor: (has an evil look in his eyes. He goes to a cage, takes a small animal from there: a dog, a cat, a monkey, or any other. He tiptoes out) Thank you, Master!
Meanwhile off-scene, noises of a struggle are heard, but Dr. Frank continues with his experiments. Sometime he stops as if the noise distracts his concentration. Ígor returns fixing his wardrobe (it could be blood-stained, for example).
Dr. Frank: Ígor, where is the animal that was in the cage?
Ígor: What animal, Master?
Dr. Frank: Oh, forget it. Is dinner ready?
Ígor: (has an evil look in his eyes and a sarcastic smile) I am preparing it, Master!
Dr. Frank: I’m going out and will return soon. Don’t touch anything while I am out!
Ígor: Yes, Master!
Dr. Frank walks towards the door to leave.
Ígor: Master!
Dr. Frank: Yes, Ígor? What is it this time?
Ígor: Do you know the cabinet full of glass flasks that I need to clean very carefully?
Dr. Frank: Yes?
Ígor: This morning, I was cleaning it very carefully, as you ordered…

    Dr. Frank: (apprehensive) Yes… continue!
Ígor: I was very careful not to get close to the flasks with the experiments, for I knew that any mistake could destroy years of work!
Dr. Frank: Well done, Ígor.
Dr. Frank tries to approach the door to exit.
Ígor: I was very, very, very careful!
Dr. Frank: (turning back and grabbing Igor violently) Did something happen?
Ígor: No, Master!
Dr. Frank: Ok, Ígor. Let me go.
Dr. Frank approaches the door again.
Ígor: Do you know that very delicate crystal vat that you always work on?
Dr. Frank: (turns back and grabs Ígor by the throat) Talk, abnormality!
Ígor: It did not break, Master!
Dr. Frank releases Ígor and exits. As soon as Dr. Frank leaves, Ígor speaks more “normal.”
Ígor: (straightening his back) What we won’t do for a job! The things I have to tolerate! I work 24 hours a day and he doesn’t pay me overtime… Wait until the hunchback union hears about this!
Dr. Frank returns.
Dr. Frank: I forgot my umbrella. It’s raining outside.
Ígor: At the weather site, they said there would be storms tonight, but it seems they always get it wrong, Master.
Dr. Frank: (takes the umbrella, starts walking and stops) What has happened to your voice?
Ígor: Voice?
Dr. Frank: You look taller, Ígor!
Ígor: (thinking of an explanation) I drank this! (he takes the flask and drinks from it, curving his back and speaking with an accent) Ígor drank it! (he takes another flask and drinks from it, straightening his back and speaking with less of an accent) Or this! (he drinks from the first flask and repeats the scene) Igor drank it! (he drinks from another flask) Or this!
Dr. Frank: Oh, forget it!
Ígor: Ígor… forgot it!
Dr. Frank goes to the door for one instant, and returns in firm steps.
Dr. Frank: Ígor, where is the material I left on the table?
Ígor: What table, Master?
Dr. Frank: My table. And don’t call me Master. We are in the 21st century.

    Ígor: Aren’t there masters in the 21st century, Master?
Dr. Frank: Don’t call me Master, Ígor.
Ígor: Then don’t call me Ígor, Master.
Dr. Frank: Behave as a useful employee, Ígor!
Ígor: Yes, but…the disciple follows the master!
Dr. Frank: Ígor!
Ígor: Yes, Dr. Frank?
Dr. Frank: Do me a favor… drink one of these substances and go back to being as you were, okay?
Ígor (drinks some from a flask and starts to speak with an accent again, and curving his back) Yes, Master!
Dr. Frank: Now tell me… where is the material?
Ígor: What material, Master… Doctor?
Dr. Frank: The one from my table, did you take it?
Ígor: An envelope? Full of money?
Dr. Frank: Did you look inside?
Ígor: No, Master… I mean… Dr. Frank!
Dr. Frank: And how do you explain knowing what was inside it?
Ígor: Master… do you believe in a sixth sense?
Dr. Frank: No! I am a man of science!
Ígor: (whispering) Ah… damn!
Dr. Frank: Ígor, aren’t you afraid that I hired another helper?
Ígor: No, Master! If you had another helper, I wouldn’t have to work so much!
Dr. Frank: Another helper would replace you, little animal!
Ígor: Master… why do you speak in metaphors?
Dr. Frank: Here an employee has the dream life of any helper: room, board, dignified salary…
Ígor: (starts to laugh but tries to hide it) Yes, Doctor!
Dr. Frank: … and the honor to work next to a great man!
Ígor: Yes, Doctor! (he can’t hold it much more, and starts laughing more and more) God! How I am happy! (he laughs until he rolls on the floor)
Dr. Frank: Idiot!
The noise of an explosion and smoke enter through a crack causing Ígor to get up quickly.
Dr. Frank: The generator!
Both leave the scene – voices from outside.
Dr. Frank: What did you do this time, idiot?
Ígor: Nothing, Master!
Dr. Frank: What did you use in the refrigeration of the generator?

   Ígor: Refrigerator?
Dr. Frank: Did you add water, as I ordered?
Ígor: Better than that master! I used the chemistry knowledge I learned from you to create water. I mixed two parts hydrogen and one part oxygen… they were in liquid form, to get nice and cold!
Fight noises. Dr. Frank returns to the scene.
Dr. Frank: (shaking his head) He blew up my generator! I need to find a way to fix the generator for tonight’s experiment! (picks up a phone book and searches for a name, then picks up the phone) Hello? Is this Volts-Watts’s technical assistance? Yes… Hello… Do you fix generators? Yes… the type? Well… model “Volts-Watts 7P”, burnt bobbin. Three days? It’s too many! How much? (hangs up)
Ígor comes back walking with two crutches.
Ígor: (defiant, but speaking in a low voice) It didn’t even hurt!
Dr. Frank: Do you know how much it will cost to get it fixed, Ígor?
Ígor: No, Master… But if I got a raise, I could pay for it in less time!
Dr. Frank picks up the phone book and looks for another name then picks up the phone.
Dr. Frank: Hello? Is this the morgue? Is Mrs. Walker in? Hello… This is Dr. Frank… did you get the body as we had agreed? Not yet? Damn, what am I paying you for after all? Don’t you have any bodies available? I know this is not “take-out” delivery! In a take-out order, I phone and they show up with the order, they don’t run in circles. Remember, Walker, one phone call from me and your job will cease to exist! (hangs up)

Ígor: Employees are all incompetent nowadays, aren’t they, Doctor?
Dr. Frank: (looks firmly at Ígor) Because of certain people, science is regressing instead of advancing.
Ígor: Don’t blame yourself for failure, Master! I too, have my bad days once in a while!
Dr. Frank: You are not worth the food you eat, Ígor.
Ígor: Thank you, Master! (trying to be sympathetic) But if I got a raise, Master, I would be able to work even better!
Dr. Frank: Don’t fool yourself, Ígor. One can’t get blood from a stone!
Ígor: “A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush”
Dr. Frank: What are you talking about?
Ígor: I don’t know, you started it!
Dr. Frank: My next experiment will fix damaged brains!
Ígor: (gives a distant look at Dr. Frank’s head) But there is nothing wrong with you! (thinks for a second) … Considering your age!
Dr. Frank: (mumbling) Be quiet, stupid, and let me think.
Ígor: (talking to himself) Great, do that while I straighten up around here… somebody needs to do some work! I always do everything anyway!
Dr. Frank: (mumbling, pushes some buttons and conducts experiments) Electricity…
Ígor walks around the stage with his crutches, looking for something. Then he stops, as if he’d had an idea.
Ígor: Master! I can solve the generator problem!
Dr. Frank: Do you know about engines?
Ígor: What a question!
Dr. Frank: (irritated, talks to himself) This is impossible. At the moment everything should be in place for the biggest medical experiment of all time, it all seems to collapse! What else is the universe going to throw my way? Why do all the gods conspire against me? Do they, by chance, feel threatened by the greatness of this moment in humanity?
Dr. Frank exits.Ígor sees he is alone, throws the crutches far away, and walk a few steps, still a bit unstable.
Ígor: (looks up and raise his arms) A miracle! It’s a miracle!
A flash of lightning, followed by thunder, finishes the scene, leaving everything in darkness.

Part II – Dr. Frank’s bride

There is sporadic lightning. Ígor lights several candles in the candelabras.  The lighting is minor. Ígor sits in front of the computer and types while speaking out loud what he is writing.
Ígor: He makes me do the worst things… Yesterday I said I had drunk acid and he didn’t even care! I think he doesn’t love me anymore! I told him I had such a headache that I need to take acid, and he interrupted me and asked, (imitating Dr. Frank) “Acid? What acid!?” I answered, “acetylsalicylic acid, Master!” He turned his back to me and ignored me. … Oh, the things I have to tolerate! He is nothing but an insensitive incompetent, a nobody …
The door creaks and opens, and Ígor notices and is startled.
Ígor: … and wonderful and a good human being, capable of great scientific feats (the door closes and Ígor continues the first phrases) … capable of embarrassing even my mother. Speaking of embarrassing my mother, one would have to be a lot worse than… (thinks for a while) my father!
Ígor stops using the computer and goes to the door to check if Dr. Frank is spying on him. This time he is using a cane for support. He opens the door suddenly, thinking he would surprise Dr. Frank.
Ígor: Ah-ha! (he sees there is nobody there, waits a bit and shouts at the door with scorn) I knew there was nobody there!
Ígor closes the door and, again, tries to surprise Dr. Frank.
Ígor: (opens the door) Ah-ha! (sees there is no one there and closes the door)
He repeats the gesture a few more times.
Dr. Frank enters from the other side of the stage and surprises Ígor.
Dr. Frank: Are you all right, Ígor?
Ígor: (a bit embarrassed, not knowing how Dr. Frank turned up behind him, he looks at Dr. Frank, looks at the door and looks again at Dr. Frank) This door has problems, Master!
Dr. Frank: (looking at the candles) Is there no power?
Ígor: (examining Dr. Frank carefully) You are so intelligent, master!
Dr. Frank: If there is no power, how come the computer is on?
Ígor: (thinking hard) Well… maybe… Internet?
Dr. Frank: Don’t talk nonsense!
Ígor: Wait, Master!
Dr. Frank: Yes?
Ígor: (concentrates, raises his arm with the cane and says, solemnly) Fiat Lux!
Some lights go on.
Dr. Frank: But… how?
Ígor: (thinks hard again, raise the other arm) Mehr licht!
More lights go on.
Ígor: (mysteriously) “There are more things in heaven and earth, than are dreamt of in your philosophy!”
Dr. Frank: Shakespeare?
Ígor: No, thank you.
Dr. Frank: How are you able to bring forth light yet cannot do your assistant’s job?
Ígor: (showing what he had in his pocket) Remote control!
Dr. Frank: May our experiments continue? Will we have the generator working today?
Ígor: (singing and dancing) Power! Power! Power!
Dr. Frank: Will we be ready tonight?
Ígor: Master! Leave everything to me!
Dr. Frank: (without paying much attention to what Ígor does) Ígor, did you prepare my formulas for today?
Ígor: (stops, scared) Formulas? What formulas, Master?
Dr. Frank: Don’t call me Master, Ígor.
Ígor: Yes, “little doctor.”
Dr. Frank: What!?
Ígor: Yes, Dr. Frank.
Dr. Frank: Did you prepare my formulas?
Ígor: What formulas, Doctor?
Dr. Frank: You should know – the formulas I’ve been asking about for several weeks, every day, every 20 minutes!
Ígor: (trying to remember) Ah, those formulas…
Dr. Frank: Did you prepare them?
Ígor: The red or the blue one?
Dr. Frank: Any one! Did you prepare… the blue one?
Ígor: The blue one? No! I did not prepare the blue one, master!
Dr. Frank: (irritated) Did you prepare the other formula?
Ígor: The red or the blue one, doctor?
Dr. Frank: (losing his patience) The red one, of course! Did you prepare it or not?
Ígor: The red one, of course (emphasis on the word of course), I haven’t prepared it… yet… doctor! But I’m almost done!
Dr. Frank: You are almost done? How are you almost done? Yesterday you told me that you were almost done!
Ígor: I was almost done yesterday, Doctor.
Dr. Frank: And now, what is missing?
Ígor: Very little… but less then than yesterday’s little!
Dr. Frank: When will it be ready?
Ígor: Soon! Be patient! Have faith!
Dr. Frank: What?!
Ígor: (pretending to be innocent) Sorry, Master… I got excited!
Dr. Frank: I don’t care, you fool! I want the formulas ready immediately!
Ígor: Immediately when?
Dr. Frank: Immediately now!
Ígor: Ah! That is what I thought!
Dr. Frank: What are you waiting for?
Ígor: (gestures) Abracadabra!
Ígor removes a cloth that covered various flasks with colorful liquids.
Dr. Frank: Ígor! How long have the formulas been ready?
Ígor: For a while, master!
Dr. Frank: Were they ready yesterday?
Ígor: No, Master! Before that!
Dr. Frank: 2 days?
Ígor: Longer!
Dr. Frank: 3 days?
Ígor: Longer!
Dr. Frank: One week?
Ígor (sounding like an announcer): Very well… absolutely correct!
Dr. Frank: (pretending not to hear the challenge) Why didn’t you tell me I could start my new experiment?
Ígor: The new experiment?
The bell rings.
Dr. Frank: Hurry! Go upstairs and answer the door!
Ígor: I need to get dressed; I can’t answer the door dressed like this!
Dr. Frank: Then go, quickly!
Ígor takes a step, stops, takes another step and looks at Dr. Frank.
    Ígor: Master!
Dr. Frank: (impatient) Yes, Ígor?!
Ígor: Shall I say we are not in?
Dr. Frank: Yes, Ígor.
Ígor: Both of us?
Dr. Frank: (sarcastic) No, idiot, say only you are not in!
Ígor: (thoughtful) Master… Do you think they would believe me if I said I wasn’t in?
Dr. Frank: (anxiously) Idiot! Go!
Ígor takes a step, stops, takes another step and looks at Dr. Frank.
Dr. Frank: Go on!
Ígor: (shows he is trying to hear) The bell stopped ringing!
Dr. Frank: Great, let’s get back to the experiments.
The bell rings again, this time insistently. Igor stays put, waiting for Dr. Frank’s order. 

    Dr. Frank: Quick, what are you waiting for?! Go upstairs and answer the door!
Ígor: I need to get dressed; I can’t answer the door dressed like this!
Dr. Frank: (looks at the audience) I think I’ve seen this act before. (looks at Ígor) Can’t you go any faster?
Ígor: Of course I can!
The bell rings and Igor drops to the ground.
Ígor: (speaks as if in pain) Ouch! My arm!
Dr. Frank: (hurries to help) Did you hurt your arm?
Ígor: (speaking normally) No. Why?
Dr. Frank: (helps Ígor get up) You imbecile, hurry up! What are you waiting for?

    Ígor: My cane, where… where is my cane?
Dr. Frank: Between your legs!
Ígor shoots Dr. Frank a malicious look.
    Ígor: (looks at the cane, examining it) So it is…
The bell rings several times.
Dr. Frank: Ígor…
Ígor: Yes?
Dr. Frank: You are not going to get the door, are you?
Ígor: I don’t think so… but you can, if you want to.
 Dr. Frank exits irritated.
Ígor: Sheesh, what an impatient man!
Ígor prepares the lab, takes the cane, attaches to a broom, and sweeps.
Dr. Frank returns.
Dr. Frank: I’d forgotten about the package! Finally! Now my experiments will succeed! The missing substance, they delivered it, the package I ordered from the internet, finally here, in my hands! This deserves a celebration! Ígor, champagne!
Ígor: Champagne, Master? I can’t go get it, I’m not appropriately dressed.

    Dr. Frank: Ígor, don’t you want to drink champagne with me?
Ígor: Oh, is it for both of us? (turns around, takes off the tunic and reveals a suit and tie underneath. Then he removes a cloth that covers an ice bucket with champagne and two flutes, taking one for himself and one for Dr. Frank) Here we are, Dr. Frank!
Dr. Frank: Ígor, were you dressed all this time?
Ígor: Cheers!
Dr. Frank: Now all I need is one thing to finish the experiment that will change history! The day death will stop being a barrier that separates people who love each other!
Ígor: Cheers!
Dr. Frank: After this experiment, Ígor, we will be the most important people in the world!
Ígor: Cheers!
Dr. Frank: Cheers, Ígor!
Ígor: Cheers!
Dr. Frank:  All I need is a body to prove that death doesn’t need to exist.

    Ígor: (rolls his eyes and shakes a bit) A body like mine, Master?
Dr. Frank: No, Ígor, I need a fresh body!
Ígor: Ah, I am still alive, so my body won’t work!
Dr. Frank: Of course not, idiot! But tonight we will go to the cemetery!
Ígor: Master… I mean… Dr. Frank…
Dr. Frank: Yes, Ígor?
Ígor: You studied so much…
Dr. Frank: Yes, that’s true… more than 20 years!
Ígor: (as if asking a very intelligent question) How is it possible to know whether or not a dead body is fresh?
Dr. Frank: (thinks a while) Hmm… By looking at the date on the tomb, of course.

    Ígor: Oh, wow…  and you needed to study 20 years to know this?
Dr. Frank pretends not to hear and moves away.
Dr. Frank: Ígor, although you think I could never finish my experiments with just your help, we are very close and nothing – nothing will stop me from obtaining success from now on, do you understand me? (gives him a threatening look) Even if I have to find a fresh dead body myself!
Ígor: Yes, my Lord…
Dr. Frank: (proudly) Nothing else will stop me now…
The bell rings.
Dr. Frank: Oh, what now? Ígor… are you dressed?
Ígor: (looks at Dr. Frank in a weird way) Yes, my Master…
Dr. Frank: Go see who is at the door! On such a gloomy night like tonight, who could it be?
Ígor: Yes, Master…
Ígor exits, moments of high expectation.
Dr. Frank: (repeating something he had said before) This is not possible, at the moment when almost everything should be ready for the biggest medical experiment of all time, it all seems to collapse! What else will the universe throw my way? Why do the gods conspire against me? Could they feel threatened by the greatness of this moment for humanity?
Ígor takes some time before returning.
Ígor: Your bride has arrived, Master! (he hugs Dr. Frank as if congratulating a groom)
Dr. Frank: (pushing Ígor away) My bride? Which bride?
Ígor: Your bride… Marcelina Tereza… She said she is here to surprise you!
Dr. Frank: (desperate) Marcelina, here? Now what? What do I do?
Ígor: This is your bride…invite her in!
Dr. Frank: (curious) And, how is she?
Ígor: How is she?
Dr. Frank: Yes, is she pretty?
Ígor: Pretty?
Dr. Frank: What does she look like?
Ígor: Don’t you know your own bride?
Dr. Frank: Well… I met her over the internet, but I have never seen her!
Ígor: Oh, my!
Dr. Frank: We dated, got engaged, and…I never thought…How is she?
Ígor: Well… You should have asked for a photo earlier!
Dr. Frank: Oh…
Ígor: Won’t you meet her?
Dr. Frank: I can’t worry about her. We have more important things to do tonight! Tell her I am sick, that I went to a gipsy fortune-teller, and that what she told me made me change my mind!
Ígor: But, Master (holds Dr. Frank by his waist, trying to show intimacy) Do you think she will believe such silliness?
Dr. Frank: I don’t care, go out there and tell her anything, just get rid of her!
Ígor: Get rid of her? (malicious smile) Yes, Master!
Ígor exits. The thunder increases. Dr. Frank is impatient.Ígor takes quite a while before returning.
Dr. Frank: This is not possible, at the moment when almost everything should be ready for the biggest medical experiment of all time, it all seems to collapse! What else will the universe throw my way? Why do the gods conspire against me? Could they feel threatened by the greatness of this moment for humanity?

    Ígor: (enters at the end of the phrase) Master… Didn’t you already say this today?
Dr. Frank: Did you get rid of her?
Ígor: Master… I am very confused… ShWouldn’t it be scary to show my “Frankenstein” rising from the dead to the boss’s bride?

    Dr. Frank: Don’t be insolent! You wouldn’t have the courage to do that in front of her!
Ígor: And what if I told you that it would not be in the front, Master? (smiles maliciously)
Dr. Frank: I told you to get rid of her, not to terrorize the poor thing! She must have run away to call the police. She was such an innocent girl!
Ígor: Master… May I ask you a personal question?
Dr. Frank: Personal question? What personal question?
Ígor: Master… What do you think about sex on the first date?
Dr. Frank: Don’t talk to me about such bestiality or your abnormal behavior. Some things are so scary that we don’t even have the right to talk about them!
Ígor: What about doing them, master? I have never made love with a woman.
Dr. Frank: I don’t want to hear that!
Ígor: You won’t hear a thing! We stopped a while ago!
Dr. Frank: I don’t want to hear it! Don’t say anything more!
Ígor: (speaking to the audience, romantic) She had to pass on Dr. Frank, she too did not have his picture… it was great! I never thought love was so beautiful! It was the first time I made love with somebody that did not bark or cackle! (talking to Dr. Frank) Master, is anal sex normal on a first date from the internet?
Dr. Frank: (feeling disgusted) What did you do with the girl, you disgusting animal?
Ígor: What did I do with the girl? You should see what the girl did to me!
Dr. Frank: Oh, shut up! I don’t want to hear it! Don’t tell me what you did to her!

    Ígor: Her? I am not sure we can call her… “her.”
Dr. Frank: Why? Don’t tell me that… she… wasn’t a she?
Ígor: (in a solemn way) We can’t say that what I did to her, and what she did to me, is what a man and a woman normally do!
Dr. Frank: (furious) How dare you do these abnormalities to her? Did you not worry about what she would think?
Ígor: (trying to calm Dr. Frank down) Oh, don’t worry, Master… when I did this to her, she was already dead!
Dr. Frank: (desperate) Dead? Did you kill her?
Ígor: But… You told me to get rid of her!
Dr. Frank: (very desperate) You killed her! Now what?
Ígor: Well, Master! Anybody who shows up for a date from the internet already expects such things to happen! To get engaged to a stranger, search for him in a distant place… She should be expecting that already!
Dr. Frank: Silence! What do we do now? All is lost, you monster!
Ígor: But, after all, what is your problem, Master? You can bring her back to life!
Dr. Frank: Silence! I need to find a way to awaken from this nightmare!
Ígor: I’ve already prepared everything, Master! Don’t worry! You will be able to bring her back to life, so we will not need to go to the cemetery after a fresh dead body! We already have a very fresh body right here! It is all ready, see?
Ígor runs to one of the entrances and brings to center stage a chair with the monster, covered with a sheet. He connects various wires to the chair.
Dr. Frank: But how can we bring her back to life if the mega-voltage generator was ruined?
Ígor: I said I would figure out a way, Master!
Dr. Frank: And what could you do, besides bother me even more, you disgusting monster?
Ígor: Simple, Master… Meteorology forecasted some electric storms for tonight, and in a few hours we will have a lot of electricity, so connect the mega generator output to the lightning rod!
Dr. Frank: Yes! What an idea! It could work! It will be our only chance! If it works, the world will know a new era today! The creation of a life from dead body leftovers!
Ígor: Dr. Frank’s bride!
Several lightning flashes followed by thunder interrupt the scene, with Ígor and Dr. Frank looking at them. More lighting and thunder finish the scene, leaving it dark again.

Part III – Dr. Frank’s Monster

There are lightning flashes and thunder all the time, now. Dr. Frank lifts the sheet without totally uncovering the cadaver, examining each piece. While examining the intimate parts of the cadaver (the “monster”), he notices that something is missing.
Dr. Frank: (harshly) Ígor! Come here!
Ígor comes in slowly with his head down.
Dr. Frank: Ígor! You violated my body!
Ígor: I wish, Master!
Dr. Frank: Ígor! You touched my monster!
Ígor: No, Master! I did not touch your “Frankenstein!”
Dr. Frank: Depraved idiot! Where is it? (he lifts the sheet and points to the missing part of the corpse)
Ígor: I didn’t take it! (waits a second) Regardless of my expression!
Dr. Frank: Yes you did! Give it back right now, you fiend! I already told you a thousand times, once you got the body, you should not take the monster’s rod!
Ígor: It wasn’t me, master! I swear! (thinks for a moment) It must have been the cat!
Dr. Frank: We have never had a cat here!
Ígor: Wow… (talks to himself) So… What did we dine on all these months?
Dr. Frank: Don’t lie. Come on, spit it out. Where did you stick it!
Ígor: I did not stick it, master! I swear I did not stick it!
Dr. Frank: All right, just return it! (tries to take something from Ígor’s pocket) What is this in your pocket?
Ígor: (jumps up, freeing himself from Dr. Frank, and runs to the other side of the body) It is nothing! I won’t give it! It is mine!
Dr. Frank: Give it to me, you filthy reptile! (tries to chase after Ígor, but can’t reach him, and gives up). All right! (sarcastic) Keep it! Scientists from the whole world will have to be content with the biggest discovery of all time missing a piece. A dead body will come back to life and won’t have anything to have fun with because you stole his “little monster!” It will be your fault, they will laugh at you!
Ígor: (not paying attention to Dr. Frank, shakes his head from side to side, as if listening to music) Ígor has two! Ígor has two! (makes obscene gestures, as if masturbating with both hands)
Dr. Frank: Had I known it would be like this, I would’ve found a woman’s body. Next time, it will be a woman’s body.
Ígor: (going to Dr. Frank, pulls on the sleeves of his apron) Two!
Dr. Frank: Two women? Why two women, brainless?
Ígor: (rests his head on Dr. Frank’s shoulder) Ígor has two…
Dr. Frank: (pushes Ígor away with one arm) That’s enough! See to my bath!
Ígor: Yeah! Great, great! Ígor will see to Master’s bath!
Dr. Frank: Silence, you idiot! Go prepare my bath! And don’t even think about spying on me!
Ígor: (disappointed) Oh, Master…
Dr. Frank: (threatens a punch with one arm) Get going!
The bell rings. Both men freeze.
Ígor: The doorbell!
Dr. Frank: Ígor, there is somebody upstairs again!
Ígor: How many brides do you have?
Dr. Frank: Don’t talk nonsense, go up there and get rid of… I mean… go up there and send them away, no matter who it is.

    Ígor: Yes, Master!
Ígor exits.
Dr. Frank: This is not possible, at the moment when almost everything should be ready for the biggest medical experiment of all time, it all seems to collapse! What else will the universe throw my way? Why do the gods conspire against me? Could they feel threatened by the greatness of this moment for humanity?

    Ígor: (returning, he seems to want to say something) Didn’t you already…
Dr. Frank: You don’t need to say anything about the originality of my words. Who was it?
Ígor: Nothing important. The police came to see about a missing woman, but I told them you had nothing to do with her and had never seen her, even though you were engaged! They are waiting for you, Master!
Dr. Frank: Idiot! How could you do that? Stay here and don’t do anything. Don’t touch the monster!
Ígor: Ígor has two!
Dr. Frank exits.
Ígor: Ígor has two! Ígor has two!
Dr. Frank returns.
Dr. Frank: I’ll need to go downtown, it seems our “monster” advised a friend she was coming here, maybe they’ll even arrest me. Igor, pay attention – it is up to you, now – make the experiment work. If she – or he – comes back to life, I can’t be arrested for murder, and you can’t be arrested either, do you understand? If I say it was you, my lab could be destroyed; therefore I will wait some time before telling the truth. Do what needs to be done!
Ígor: Yes, Master! You can count on me!
Dr. Frank exits.
Ígor waits a while, turns on some equipment and sits next to the “monster.” After some effects and waiting, Ígor removes the sheet that covers the monster, revealing his face. The monster comes back to life, moving mechanically. The monster looks down and caresses his intimate parts. He looks at Ígor without understanding. He tries to speak, but only emits incomprehensible noises.
Ígor: (explaining) Ígor has two! (he widens his pants waistband and looks inside)
The monster continues looking at Ígor without understanding.

Ígor: (shakes his shoulders, tap on the monster’s shoulder, complacent, and then looks at the audience and smiles) That’s life!

© Victor M. Sant’Anna 2002
All Rights Reserved