CONJOINED HEARTS SEPARATION OPERATION
Tragicomic Sketch (5 to 10 minutes long)
For an actor and an actress
© Victor Martins Sant’Anna 2009
Traduzido para o inglês por
www.wobi.com.br – andre.dantas@wobi.com.br
Synopsis: A couple on the divorce track in their final argument
There is an open cardboard box in the middle of the stage. A man throws objects in the box, examining one by one before doing so.
The man picks up a stuffed dog and plays around with it. He throws an object (a ball or a toy bone) far and talks to the dog.
MAN
Go fetch it, Lulu!
He pretends that the dog is alive and runs around with it (the stuffed dog may have a dog collar and wheels, for example)
The intercom rings. The man leaves the dog somewhere, stands up and answers the intercom.
MAN
(On the intercom)
– Yes?
(He presses the intercom button. He opens the door and waits a little).
A woman comes in.
MAN
Why didn’t you use the key?
WOMAN
Oh, take the key, I don’t need it anymore.
The man take the key and puts it away.
MAN
Are you alone?
WOMAN
It has only been three months since our separation,
there wasn’t enough time to find someone yet.
MAN
I mean someone to help you carry your stuff now.
WOMAN
Oh! Right!
MAN
I put your things in this box here.
WOMAN
(Looks inside the box)
Where are my teddy bears?
MAN
I’ll go get them.
(The man comes back with some stuffed animals.)
There, anything else?
WOMAN
(She looks at the dishes and glasses in the corner.)
Are you having a party?
MAN
It’s just a dinner… a dinner with some friends.
WOMAN
What about this box with my stuff in the middle of the room?
If I hadn’t shown up today, was it just going to stay there?
MAN
I was going to use it as a table.
It’s been sitting there for three months waiting for you.
When it is closed and I cover it with a towel it doesn’t even look like a box.
WOMAN
Why don’t you use a real table?
MAN
You took it, along with the rest of the furniture, remember?
And you took all the money, too.
WOMAN
I only took a few objects which were mine.
MAN
Everything here was ours… Ours! Mine and yours!
We were a couple for 10 years, for chrissake.
WOMAN
This place was never mine, you never let me do anything I wanted to…
MAN
Never? What about this horrible black butterfly you hung on the wall?
WOMAN
It is not a butterfly, it is a hand fan!
MAN
Then you can take your fan.
(He takes it and throws it in the box)
It flies like a butterfly.
WOMAN
I said I wanted this place to be ‘ours’ dozens of times,
but it’s always been only yours.
MAN
You could do whatever you wanted, I never cared!
WOMAN
It is not about what I wanted to do here.
We were supposed to do it together.
You’re exactly the same, you haven’t changed a bit!
You never listen!
MAN
I always listen. You never make any sense!
You complain it wasn’t yours, but you didn’t want to do anything.
WOMAN
This is useless. You’re still the same.
MAN
Can’t we try and make this work?
WOMAN
There’s no way… I thought we might at least talk things through.
I thought you’d change, but this is who you’re and always will be.
MAN
I’ve always been this way!
I’ve been like this for ten years and you always liked the way I was.
WOMAN
But I’ve changed, I’ve evolved!
MAN
Evolved? Oh! Right! Changing your mind is evolving …
WOMAN
I change, people change, only you never changed a thing!
MAN
It’s not my fault I don’t need to change!
WOMAN
You deceived me… when we got married I used to think you were different.
As time went by, I realised you were different from what I’d thought!
MAN
And is it my fault you didn’t see me for who I was?
WOMAN
(Ironic)
No, it’s my fault! It’s always my fault
MAN
Stop throwing these ready-made sentences in our argument.
That’s not what I meant!
WOMAN
It’s never what you mean… Never!
MAN
Why are you doing this? You’re just trying to start another row…
Our marriage’s always been good!
WOMAN
It wasn’t always good, it was good in the early years …
It was different in the beginning!
MAN
But what changed? We were always so happy!
WOMAN
I’m not happy! I can’t stand you anymore!
I want to meet other people! I want to live!
MAN
But … You didn’t even want sex with me!
What’s the point in meeting others?
WOMAN
I want a real man! Who loves me all night long!
MAN
You would reject me every night!
When we had sex you were never up for anything I suggested.
And then you still complained it was bad!
WOMAN
I used to ask you to take me somewhere romantic to make love,
you never listened to me!
MAN
Is having sex on the table romantic?
It would break the table and we would end up in the ER!
WOMAN
You don’t understand women!
MAN
Me? And does anybody?
WOMAN
Yes! There are men who understand women!
Take that romantic singer for example… Vando*!
Now that’s a man!
He understands women, he knows how we want to be treated.
* a brazilian romantic singer famous for his romantic affairs with women
MAN
(looks at his feet)
Treated?
WOMAN
I can only imagine that hunk grabbing all over me,
(caressing her own body)
fondling me… caressing all my body…
MAN
Is he a man… Or a soap?
WOMAN
You know nothing about him …
The way he talks, what he says …
He really understands women!
You should listen to what he says!
MAN
Yeah right… I’ll ask women to throw panties at me…
WOMAN
You’re such a wuss! Vando says that when a man really loves a woman,
he can make love to her five times a night…
MAN
Good for him! But…
Just think for a second, if he fell in love with you,
who wanted sex once a year,
his rate would be far worse than mine …
WOMAN
What are you trying to say?
MAN
That it’s hard to make love five times a night to someone
who is already sleeping when you go to bed and who
wakes up early and takes off so they won’t have to have sex.
WOMAN
If you weren’t so slow and so bad in bed I’d stay awake and
we wouldn’t have to end our marriage due to lack of interest!
MAN
It took you ten years to discover that I’m bad in bed?
And I’m the slow one…
WOMAN
Enough! Let’s leave it like this.
There’s no point talking to you!
MAN
I should be the one to say that!
WOMAN
Enough! I’m done talking about this!
I don’t want to argue anymore.
I don’t wanna look at your face anymore.
MAN
It sounds great…
The man opens the door. Then he drags (or takes on his hands) the filled box to the door. He returns, picks the stuffed dog off the floor and goes back to the door.
MAN
Don’t forget your stupid dog! Here!
(He takes the dog and throws it in the box)
WOMAN
My Lulu!
(She grabs the dog and cuddles with it)
You’re so insensitive! This could be our son!
MAN
Only if you’ve been having sex with a stuffed dog.
(He slams the door in her face)
Farewell, my love!
© Victor Martins Sant’Anna 2009